One of the first truths that I woke up to, was that the world is not as it seems. Because of the nature of my home life, my parents kept me quite sheltered as a kid. I wasn't allowed to have sleep-overs or birthday parties with friends, I had to be at home or at school and there was very little freedom in between. I realized that I had constructed my ideas of who I was and how the world worked around what I saw portrayed in entertainment; on T.V, in the media and news and what I learnt about the world from my family, society and education. I felt like everyone was telling me this story, creating this dialogue of how the world worked but when I looked around, I saw and felt a completely different reality.
"I'm afraid for what the future may hold. In knowing that our values and morals no longer have specific guidelines...it seems almost anything is acceptable these days. People and their behavior and actions towards each other and society...war, racism, fighting, killing, blood, pain and tears... I don't think this was what life was supposed to be about. Instead, I believe God wanted each one to live freely, fulfill happiness and to love one another equally. Not discriminate, or judge, fight or kill, but to be accepting of one another and live in peace as equals. There wouldn't be people of higher class, or one race better than the next...we are equals... and it frustrates me knowing there is nothing really anyone can do unless we; the world as a whole, each and every country, can get together and make a stand...impossible?! I wonder if there are others who feel and think the same way I do, who constantly ask why and seek the answers to unreasonable questions...others who don't know what to do, or if they are alone."
Shayleen McHugh, Circa - 2006.
This was before the internet was as it is today, so heavily used and relied on. Even at 16 when MySpace & Nexopia were all the rage, it was never a priority to me and getting access was almost impossible because I wasn't allowed to be online. I didn't have social media until I started my business - actually I was on twitter for a short stint in the first couple years of University but my point is, that it wasnt as easy to connect with like-minded people back then and even today I find myself questioning how effective social media really is, in helping us to feel more connected to one another.
I feel like I've always had an awareness of my intuition, though there were times that I did not fully recognize it as such. When I was younger I thought I had impeccable timing, when it came to determining when a bell would ring, a timer would end, or a phone call would come. I just knew these things. Sometimes the information seemed random and insignificant, while other times it would be a dream that came true, or prophetic warning I'd receive in my sleep. I would document it in my journal, but wouldn't pursue it much more than that. On more than one occasion, I found myself thinking "I want to go home. I don't even know where home is, other than this is not it." - Shayleen McHugh, Circa - September 2007.
I would catch these little glimpses of that feeling of home when I would write, after spending time alone or being in social settings. "I'm so messed up about everything lately, it feels like I see things in such a different way, things I was oblivious to before. I wish I could explain it, to explain it to someone who understood and could help me make sense of it. I wish what I felt was meaningful enough to someone to help me. I don't know if how I'm feeling or thinking is normal. I don't know if this is part of growing up. I don't know." Shayleen McHugh, Circa - December 2007. These types of thoughts continued to plague me, to confuse me and fuel me until I found Reiki. Then I was able to start looking at things from a different angle, to start making sense of them.
The first bit of magic that I strongly identified as a mysterious piece of the universe, was numerology. For as long as I can remember, the number 8 has been my number. There are 8 numbers in my name, I was born at 4:40am and this number has shown up on my path to guide me in countless ways. When I was 16, I discovered Elvis Presley and quickly fell in love, with more than just his music. In some strange and un-explainable way, I felt connected to him, or maybe it was the 50's era and I often joked I had been born in the wrong time! I later learnt that my numerology of 8 also held significance in my love of Elvis. Who was born on the 8th of January in 1935 at 4:35am and died on the 16th day of the 8th month. Elvis was also born a twin, his brother was still born 35 minutes after him.
"I wonder what, if anything, it means."
Shayleen McHugh, Circa - January 2009.
I've been finding myself peeling back the layers of personal belief systems, attachment styles and self image - essentially trying to unearth who on earth it is that I came here to be! Though I know this is the path of many lifetimes, over the past few months, my self love journey has me diving deep into these preconceived ideas of the identity I thought I needed to be, that I spent years trying to convey... but that isn't truly me... Unlearning who you think you are is difficult, it can be lonely and isolating, it can be confusing and scary. What I'm learning now is that it's okay to outgrow who you were, infact it's necessary and needed inorder to feel more openness, more love, more wholeness.
