I've always felt like there was something special about writing. The ability to write down, to convey and express ones inner most thoughts and feelings. To put them on paper and get them out of your head, out of the chaos of the mind, so you can begin to make sense of them. Or maybe the act of writing provides the release of letting go of all of those thoughts and feelings. Either way, I've always supported journaling as a form of self care. Over the years it has helped me become more self aware, maybe even too self aware! Having a safe space for introspection and release is important. Writing provides me with a space to express the thoughts that just don't seem to make it into the daily conversations we have in our lives and I think that's a shame. I love talking to people, sharing ideas and hearing other peoples perspectives. It is a part of what fuels me and my passion to help other people. For a while I thought about staring a podcast, and who knows, one day I still might but today I woke up feeling empowered, inspired to write and share.
It has been a challenging year for me, both personally and professionally and like most challenges, they also present with opportunity. Opportunity to learn, to heal, to grow, to let go, to evolve, to start anew, to dig deeper and connect deeper with ourselves and others. Or atleast that's how I've come to see it...Through these challenging times over the last year, I have found myself coming back to the idea, this notion or feeling of knowing, that I Am the source of my own healing, that I contain the medicine I need, the healing, the love and acknowledgement I seek. Realizing that what the world needs most - from each of us, is to awaken to our own power and the knowledge that we possess. It is through this truth that we will be able to make lasting change, to help others awaken and to heal the earth.
And I have to be honest, this path has been lonely. Incredibly, extremely, heart-breakingly lonely at times. I feel super isolated in this truth, in the inner wisdom and knowledge that I experience, that I contain and keep deep within myself. Perhaps I just haven't found "my people", my tribe, my community- those of you that are out there matching my frequency, seeking to understand this deep inherent truth that fuels you, even though you see and feel the heaviness, the hurt and the heart-ache that echoes through-out the collective.
If you've followed The Light Journey and my story, you'll know that I have been keeping a journal since I was about 6 years old. Now, as a woman in her 30's, looking back on those entries.... I feel like they contain so much wisdom, understanding and truth from a child beyond her years. Reading my old diaries can be healing, it helps me to find compassion for all that I've been through. It also helps me identify patterns of behavior or thought(s) that I have been struggling with overcoming. I used to think that my spiritual journey started when I was about 17, but I think that was around the time I could no longer deny the truth of my experiences. My memories of there being something more to life, started to awaken around the age of 12. I'd write in my journal about waking up in the middle of the night and seeing strange faces and figures watching me, but quickly dismissed it as a dream. Or how I would hear what sounded like a radio frequency inside my head, but couldn't make out what the voices were saying.
Do you ever find yourself trying to be a certain way, only to realize that its come naturally all along? Its no wonder that we are drawn to certain things, when you think of everything in terms of energy, like attracts like. I'd been hanging herbs and flowers upside down, collecting twigs and rocks, connecting to the moon and watching the stars without conscious awareness since I was 15. When I state above that "my memories of there being something more to life, started to awaken..."I truly believe they are memories of a life, or a time, long forgotten. I think this awakening that humanity is experiencing on the collective level is a remembering- we have forgotten what we knew all along.
It's no secret that life isn't easy. We all have had, will have or are going to have to face challenges, obstacles and setbacks. Growing up there was alot of instability in my home, between my parents and their relationship. Between the periods of abuse and neglect, there were times that I was living without my basic needs being met. I often spent alot of time alone and this gave me a different outlook on life and the value of material things. I've never been big into fashion, name brands or designer things. I enjoy the comforts of life but I also like to live simply and believe that there is enough to go around for everyone. Our attachment to things is just one more thing that stands to divide us.
My relationship with my parents was and is complicated and I grew up with alot of anger; anger towards them, anger towards God and anger towards the world. I find it interesting that I should have such a love for speaking & writing, though its literally written in my stars, being a Gemini sign, Gemini Rising and Gemini Sun- and considering healthy communication was not something that occurred in my early years. Speaking my truth or talking about my feelings often resulted in trouble or punishment, there were always consequences. My parents would manipulate me, read my journals and use my inner most thoughts, feelings and fears to control me. I don't believe their behavior was intentional, but the result of their own learnt behaviors that continued the cycle of abuse. One of the worst things about this, was how fake it all felt to me. I had this idea that life was "picture perfect" because on the outside, we would look like your normal, average family. I felt like everyone around me was playing pretend. I didn't understand why people treated each other this way, why bad things happen to good people. I found myself questioning if this is what life was really about.
"I dunno man, sometimes I think the world is upside down..."
Shayleen McHugh, Circa - February 2006.